Retreat (not the white flag)

I just got back from my first ever solo retreat, as in get away from people, technology, familiar surroundings, etc.  I've done retreats with groups in the past, but never just went away by myself and i was really anxious about it. What would I find in the recesses of my brain if I took time to just listen to it? What would I do with all of that time if I wasn't on Facebook or watching t.v.? Now that I'm back I have to say that I don't know what all the worry was for. I did basically what I felt like I needed and wanted to do that wasn't involving my cell phone, computer or t.v. I read some of the books I brought with me, I went for long walks, I played with animals (I went to a farm with alpacas, chickens, goats, cats, dogs), and I prayed and meditated.  I did things that I generally want to do but rarely actually find time to do, and it felt wonderful.

prairie wildflowers and moth

I'm normally fairly extroverted, so I think part of what scared me most was not having interaction with people, and while there were moments where I thought it was too quiet and really wanted to call someone just to chat, for the most part I enjoyed being by myself.  The books that went with me were wonderful and helped me do some introspection. Walking the prayer labyrinth at the retreat center was an amzingly spiritual experience in ways I can't even articulate.  I even took some time to explore a creative outlet I've always wanted to - I took a bunch of photographs and think some of them are actualy half decent (you can comment on the two that are included in this post if you'd like). For years I've wanted to take photography classes and do something like this. Thankfully, a Deaconess sister who runs this eco-spirituality farm and retreat center is also a fairly skilled photographer and was willing to give me some pointers.  It allowed me to explore something new and it felt liberating. I go back to work tomorrow, and having only been back home for hours, I don't know if my experience away made any profound difference in me. I do know that I feel glad to have gone and I hope that it did make a difference - only time will tell.

Turtle Rock Farm, Oklahoma

The point of this post then is three-fold. (1) If you are considering doing something like this yourself but have some reservations, consider this an edorsement to DO IT. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money and can be exactly what you need to rejuvenate body, mind and soul. You don't have to have a plan, or agenda, or specific goal.  (2) I'd like for you to share information and recommendations. Where do you retreat? How often do you go? Or if you don't go, why not? Are there negative implications? I personally went to Turtle Rock Farm in Oklahoma (a little more than an hour south of Wichita, KS just off I-35) and would heartily recommend it.  I stayed in the hermitage, which is basically a small apartment, for only $50 a night.  Do you have a particular book you'd recommend to read while away? Or do you follow a certain regimen when you retreat? (3) Finally, I write this post as in invitation to those who know me to let me know if you notice any difference, for better or worse.  I'm a little curious to see how things go back at work and in my daily interactions with people over the next week or two. I feel relaxed and better equipped to handle the so called "daily grind" but I don't know how accurate that is or how long it will last. I hope it lasts a while and that I get a chance to go on retreat on a regular basis in the future.

And they're (we're) at it again...

I saw a news story from the UMNS tonight that really got to me. Not sure why this one bugs me more than the multitude of other stories about gay marriage and the fighting that goes on in the United Methodist Church, but it does. After I read the story, I read the comments and it just made things worse - to the point that I was crying and punching my couch cushions. I attempted to make my own comment on the article page, but struggled with the words. What would people actually read and consider? What would lead to thoughtful response? What wouldn't just incite the "opposing" side? And then I went to log in (a required step to have your comment posted) and realized that it would link to my profiles on Facebook or Google or whatever and could easily lead people to other aspects of my life and the fear took over. Would someone who really didn't like what I have to say be able to track me down? Or see my FB profile and learn that I'm in a same sex relationship? Would they care that I've been monogamous and completely committed for more than 12 years or that my partner is in the military? I couldn't love with myself if my desire for public response came back to harm her. And perhaps it would lead to someone questioning my position as a Deaconess, and what that office stands for - could I bring that upon them? I finally decided to post here, something I haven't done in a while for a variety of reasons. It's still public, but it takes a little more work to find this and I feel like I have a little more control (although realistically, I know that's not the case).

So here are my thoughts:

• Why does it make ANY difference how many people attend any of the mentioned pastors' churches? They make it seem like if you pastor a church with more people in the pews each week, that inherently means you're doing something right - more in line with "God's will" perhaps.  This is an ongoing issue in the UMC (and other mainline denoms) and one which I find disturbing... Jesus was NOT about preserving the status quo or filling the pews!
• We've known for a long time that the issue of gay marriage in the church (we're not talking about civil marriage) is one with many voices on all sides. We've also known for a long time that while we all believe in the Bible, how to read and follow it has always been up for debate. Until we can learn how to tolerate each other, no matter what the issue, we come out looking like hypocrites.  There are so many layers of complexity here, anyone suggesting there is a simple way to handle it is foolish. Punishing everyone doesn't spread love (or give the UMC good press which can't help anyone's attendance numbers), and it doesn't appear that the UMC at large is going to change policy anytime soon. Is there anyone who can have a civil conversation and find alternatives?
• Perhaps the church does need to split so that each camp can believe and practice in the way they see as most true. That would certainly NOT be easy; I don't think anyone wants to see that happen - and not just because of the financial fall out (which would certainly be bad). We have to find another way, and though it's hokey to say, if we're Christians, I think we have to ask what would Jesus do. We have to ask these questions as individuals and as a community.  We struggle as people are trying to do this the best way they can see - some by taking a stand against policies they see as unjust, and others by trying to hold them accountable.
• As someone who has a clear personal stake in this issue, I hope that changes are made, but I also hope that they are done prayerfully, with a spirit of love and putting others first. The question of how to be tolerant of those who are intolerant of you is one that I will struggle with for always. I'm proud to say that I go to church that chose to respond to a picket by the Fred Phelps clan by bringing them water to drink, but what is the appropriate response to those who want to punish the people that are standing up for what it just? 
• I question the role of accountability when it's used as a way to keep people in line. As the church, we should not be instilling fear and punishment shouldn't be our modus operandi. But then I consider what John Wesley did in his meetings, making sure that people were on the path to being better Christians.  How did he know which things to press people on and which things to overlook? And Jesus certainly held people accountable too. Yet he seemed to do it in a way that challenged everything - the adulterous woman didnt' get stoned, but Jesus didn't just let it slide either.  I believe that those who are calling for the church laws to be upheld are doing so (mostly) to keep the church on the "right" path - they fear that we are losing our way. While I disagree with them, how can I begrudge them that?  And where is there room for a middle ground between these two? Should there be middle ground?
• I feel bad for the Council of Bishops. I don't know how they can best respond to this issue. There are bishops on both sides of this issue, and they do have a role to uphold the laws of the church, but they also have an obligation to call the church to justice. It seems to me they are damned if they do and damned if they don't on this one.  I hope the Holy Spirit will be with them as they work it out together, and I'll be watching to see what they say.  A lot of people - in and out of the UMC - will be watching.

Where does this leave us? I really don't know. I just know we can't keep going like this. My heart hurts, and I can only imagine that God's does too.

Post-holiday blues

Every year I get down about this time - the Christmas lights come down, trees get mulched, decorations get repacked and stored away and the house and world in general go into a winter grey funk. Some people just chalk it up to seasonal affective disorder due to the shorter days and less exposure to sunlight, but I think it's more than that. The holidays get built up and when they're over, we can't help but feel a little let down that they're over - after months of preparations and brightly colored decor, how can you not? I know that Christmas is a big deal but one day and the evening before can hardly live up to all the hype.

I've written before (and am hardly the only one who's done so) about the commercialism of Christmas, but this year I've really started thinking about the significance of this holiday in comparison with others. Sure, the birth of Christ is significant, but isn't Easter really more of what makes Christianity what it is? And Easter falls in the Spring, when it seems it might be easier to do outdoor decorations... but we don't make nearly as big a deal about Easter. Why is that?

Adding to my funk this year, I'm once again left alone while my partner is deployed to serve our country overseas. This makes the 5th time we've gone through this and it was never easy or fun, but it seems harder this time. Perhaps that's because it's been a few years since the last one or perhaps it's because I'm not in school this time around and am not really sure how I'm going to cope. I can only throw myself into work so far and mamy of my friends no longer live close by. I need a diversion - a project or a class or something. Any ideas? I've checked out the schedule at the YMCA but the classes that fit around my work schedule aren't really that interesting to me... the ones I'd like to do are during work hours. Dang it. I'm very open to suggestions...

10 K

This weekend I did something I thought I would NEVER do - I flew to Ohio to participate in the Air Force Marathon. No I didn't actually run the marathon. I did the 10K and walked almost all of it at that. How? Why? I'm still processing and trying to figure all that out, but the basic story is that Trouble signed up with a team from her squadron in Colorado. They used it as a way to raise money for the Wounded Warrior Project, one of her favorite charities anyway. She signed up months ago to run the half marathon, put together a training program for herself and talked her sister into doing it with her. Not long into the training process, her sister hurt her knee and was told she couldn't participate. I became the fill in, only there was no way I was going to run 13.1 miles. I opted for the 10K deciding that this was something I could do for her, and the training would be good for my health.

Training didn't go exactly as I had planned. I was supposed to do so many miles each week, working up to jogging the whole time but starting with a combination of walking and running. I never got very far with the jogging piece. Between back problems and what I thought was a bruised foot from Buildathon (which I now believe is plantar fasciaitis), I walked everything and didn't do it near as frequently as I should have. I even debated whether I was going to be able to participate in the event at all. I always had the option of down sizing to the 5K event and was contemplating doing just that up to 3 days before the event. I just couldn't do it - I knew that I would regret it and always feel like I had copped out.

Now that we're a couple of days after the event, my body is still sore but the sense of accomplishment is taking up more of my emotional space than the fatigue. I don't know if I ever really saw myself as a person who would volunteer for and complete a 10K - but I did it! Not only did I complete the full distance, I did it in under 2 hours, which means I kept a pace of more than 3 mph. For a person who is way overweight and has never been physically fit, that's pretty darn good! Granted, I need to do more than one race a year and actually lose the weight and get into better physical health. Wouldn't it be amazing if this became an annual event where I improved each time? Maybe next year I can run at least half of it and improve my time. Who knows what could be possible! I always here people talk about the mental preparation and how you can psych yourself up or psych yoruself out and I don't know how much stock I ever really put into that, but I noticed it a lot this weekend. I didn't set out to set a record or anything - but I wasn't going to let myself NOT do this. I just told myself that I was going to do it and while I was walking the course, I just focused on continually putting one foot in front of the other. I had good music to keep my spirits up (and good beats to help keep my pace steady), and found that the way I directed my thoughts had EVERYTHING to do with how I performed. It's the first time I feel like I've really experienced that. Very cool.