My new life

Last time I posted, I mentioned the changes that I was making in my life and this is a follow up to say thank you to God for the direction and discernment to make those decisions. It has been an amazing year. I continue to work as Program Manager for Lazarus Ministries and find that I really enjoy working with the Sojourners and volunteers each weekend. I've always loved people through food (going to point to my family culture for this one) and this job encourages that and uses the skills I feel I've developed for my whole life. I've gotten to know Harvester Food Bank better than ever and am SO appreciative of the things they do for and in our community - I seriously couldn't feed the hundreds of people who come to us each weekend without them! I've become a pro at shopping Harvesters, Costco, Restaurant Depot and sales at my local grocery stores to put together menus that offer some variety, decent nutrition, and special treats every now and then (some of my favorites have been an ice cream social, fresh made blueberry cobbler and soon to come fresh baked chocolate chip cookies).

In addition to my position with Lazarus, my wife and I completed another deployment to Afghanistan - what was possibly our last - and this time we were legally married and I was a recognized military dependent. I learned how to shop in the commissary (yes, we have one in Kansas City even though the base closed years ago) and handle military health insurance. I was elected Board Chair for my position on the Board of Directors at The Surplus Exchange, an environmental nonprofit that recycles and refurbishes electronics in the KC region. That has been a HUGE learning experience and continues for the rest of 2015. I've also become an independent contractor for CWS, the organization that sponsors CROP Hunger walks all across the country and does ecumenical hunger and relief work around the world. Working with the KC CROP Walk committee has been another educational - and entertaining - venture as I draw on my skills in nonprofit work, fundraising, relationship building and social media. I feel like I've got a great variety of things going on. Yes, they're all part time jobs, essentially, and only a couple of them pay me anything (and it doesn't add up to much), but I'm immensely fortunate to have a spouse that works in a job that offers us the financial stability for me to do these things and the health care to not worry about having a full time job myself. It's letting me explore things I wouldn't have done otherwise and I'm learning and growing in confidence each day.

As this is Mother's Day weekend, I of course want to give a shout out to my mom and the opportunities she gave me while growing up and the ways that she helped me develop into the person I am today. I also want to give a shout out my mother-in-law, grand mothers on both sides of our family and aunts and cousins who are all scattered around the country but have all taught me things about what it means to be a woman and have relationships and care for other people. Most of all, I want to thank my wife, who isn't technically a mother (although our two cats might allow her to claim the title some days) but who loves and supports me in ways nobody else could, encouraging me and enabling me to do some things that others might not ever understand. Life is an adventure and I'm glad I get to do mine with you!

At a crossroads

I've been quiet on the blog for a couple of years, and don't have so many followers that I think anybody has really noticed, but it was a busy couple of years.  I was working as a manager for a Habitat ReStore and that job, while rewarding, exhausted me physically and mentally. I just didn't have the energy or mental capacity to think about things and process questions the way I did when I was in seminary. And I really missed it.

I left that position in June. Due to a variety of changing life circumstances, I'm taking an amazing opportunity to go off on a new adventure. I took a part time job working as Program Manager for Lazarus Ministries at Grand Avenue Temple UMC - an organization that works with the Sojourner community (aka the homeless community) of downtown Kansas City, Missouri. This gives me (1) a chance to learn about a new kind of ministry and work with a respected group of people doing what they do, (2) income, even if it is significantly less, and (3) a way to structure my time. The role of a Deaconess is "full time ministry of love, justice and service" so the remainder of my time is not being spent watching soap operas and eating bon-bons. I am working to start a new chapter of Project Transformation in the Missouri conference. I have a team working with me to help bring this amazing program first to Kansas City, and then, once it's stable and successful we can hopefully spread it to St Louis, Springfield, Columbia and maybe rural areas. Other conferences are doing amazing things with this program and ever since I interviewed for an executive director position with one of them, I've felt this a program where God was nudging me to go.  The last couple of months have involved many conversations with many people and it never ceases to amaze me the way that things just work out and come together. I know it's more than coincidence, although I hesitate to put God in the "micro-manager" role.

In the bigger decisions of my life - choosing a college, changing my major, marrying my partner, going to seminary - I have felt like there were lots of questions that weren't answered but those were clearly the "right" decisions. I may not have known how I was going to pay for it, or what would come next, but they felt like the places I needed to be or things I needed to do, and it always worked out. Not just worked out, but made me happy and worked out well, even if it was a lot of work and struggle in the process. Seminary wasn't a breeze and I had no clue what would come afterwards; marrying my partner meant a lot of struggle with my biological family. Leaving my full time job with an organization I of which I was proud to be a part was the same - I didn't really know if I could pull it off or what would happen when things like health insurance went away, but so far it's all working out beautifully. I have to put my desire to plan to the side and trust in God that things will continue to work out. And I thank God for a partner who encourages me to do these things and walks by my side through it all.

Have you felt like you were on God's path? How did you determine it was God's will for you rather than your desire for yourself?

For Jerry

It's Saturday night of Thanksgiving weekend and most people are reviewing their purchases from this huge shopping weekend, but I'm sad. I just watched the 10 pm news and learned that one of my former coworkers was shot and killed by police on Thanksgiving evening.  It's still a developing story but the gist of it is that two women were found dead in a house (Jerry's wife, Loretta, and a teenage girl who was helping her cook Thanksgiving dinner) and when police arrived on scene (they were called to a possible burglary) they shot a man who was firing at them, my friend Jerry. The news pieces report Jerry's financial problem and previous drug conviction, but what they don't report is the beautiful man that I knew from the Habitat for Humanity Kansas City office.

Jerry came to us through a work program of Catholic Charities and his job was cleaning up the offices - mopping floors, cleaning toilets, etc. It wasn't glamorous work but Jerry seemed to like doing it, doing his part to contribute to our mission. He was always smiling and usually whistling or singing a song (often church related), and every time I talked with him he would tell me about his wife, Loretta. They were an aging couple facing some health issues, as most of us will when we get into our mid-60's.  They didn't have a lot of money, and I know his salary couldn't have been much through a charity work program, but he was glad to have the job and was doing the best he could with what he had.  Perhaps what surprised me the most was learning that Jerry had been on drugs in his past and had spent time in prison. I'm a little embarrassed to admit how naive I am in this regard, but my picture of "felons" and "drug addicts" was generally of angry (possibly dangerous) or depressed people, and Jerry wasn't really either one of those. He was optimistic about things, a spiritual man, and always had kind, encouraging words for everyone.

I don't have any idea what happened Thanksgiving night, and I learned first hand when I was a 911 dispatcher that the news often doesn't get the details correct.  I'm not pointing fingers at the media or at the police, but I know that despite what I hear in the news, a good man was lost in addition to the women found dead inside the house.  It's been about a year since I worked in the Habitat KC office and I don't know if Jerry was still working there or what else may have changed in his life, but I will remember him singing a song while mopping the floors, smiling and nodding at me as I walked to the other bathroom so as not to walk across where he was working.  His was a great spirit and I'm glad I got to know him the little that I did. Rest in peace, my friend, with your Loretta at your side.  I pray you have the relief you were looking for.

Retreat (not the white flag)

I just got back from my first ever solo retreat, as in get away from people, technology, familiar surroundings, etc.  I've done retreats with groups in the past, but never just went away by myself and i was really anxious about it. What would I find in the recesses of my brain if I took time to just listen to it? What would I do with all of that time if I wasn't on Facebook or watching t.v.? Now that I'm back I have to say that I don't know what all the worry was for. I did basically what I felt like I needed and wanted to do that wasn't involving my cell phone, computer or t.v. I read some of the books I brought with me, I went for long walks, I played with animals (I went to a farm with alpacas, chickens, goats, cats, dogs), and I prayed and meditated.  I did things that I generally want to do but rarely actually find time to do, and it felt wonderful.

prairie wildflowers and moth

I'm normally fairly extroverted, so I think part of what scared me most was not having interaction with people, and while there were moments where I thought it was too quiet and really wanted to call someone just to chat, for the most part I enjoyed being by myself.  The books that went with me were wonderful and helped me do some introspection. Walking the prayer labyrinth at the retreat center was an amzingly spiritual experience in ways I can't even articulate.  I even took some time to explore a creative outlet I've always wanted to - I took a bunch of photographs and think some of them are actualy half decent (you can comment on the two that are included in this post if you'd like). For years I've wanted to take photography classes and do something like this. Thankfully, a Deaconess sister who runs this eco-spirituality farm and retreat center is also a fairly skilled photographer and was willing to give me some pointers.  It allowed me to explore something new and it felt liberating. I go back to work tomorrow, and having only been back home for hours, I don't know if my experience away made any profound difference in me. I do know that I feel glad to have gone and I hope that it did make a difference - only time will tell.

Turtle Rock Farm, Oklahoma

The point of this post then is three-fold. (1) If you are considering doing something like this yourself but have some reservations, consider this an edorsement to DO IT. It doesn't have to cost a lot of money and can be exactly what you need to rejuvenate body, mind and soul. You don't have to have a plan, or agenda, or specific goal.  (2) I'd like for you to share information and recommendations. Where do you retreat? How often do you go? Or if you don't go, why not? Are there negative implications? I personally went to Turtle Rock Farm in Oklahoma (a little more than an hour south of Wichita, KS just off I-35) and would heartily recommend it.  I stayed in the hermitage, which is basically a small apartment, for only $50 a night.  Do you have a particular book you'd recommend to read while away? Or do you follow a certain regimen when you retreat? (3) Finally, I write this post as in invitation to those who know me to let me know if you notice any difference, for better or worse.  I'm a little curious to see how things go back at work and in my daily interactions with people over the next week or two. I feel relaxed and better equipped to handle the so called "daily grind" but I don't know how accurate that is or how long it will last. I hope it lasts a while and that I get a chance to go on retreat on a regular basis in the future.

And they're (we're) at it again...

I saw a news story from the UMNS tonight that really got to me. Not sure why this one bugs me more than the multitude of other stories about gay marriage and the fighting that goes on in the United Methodist Church, but it does. After I read the story, I read the comments and it just made things worse - to the point that I was crying and punching my couch cushions. I attempted to make my own comment on the article page, but struggled with the words. What would people actually read and consider? What would lead to thoughtful response? What wouldn't just incite the "opposing" side? And then I went to log in (a required step to have your comment posted) and realized that it would link to my profiles on Facebook or Google or whatever and could easily lead people to other aspects of my life and the fear took over. Would someone who really didn't like what I have to say be able to track me down? Or see my FB profile and learn that I'm in a same sex relationship? Would they care that I've been monogamous and completely committed for more than 12 years or that my partner is in the military? I couldn't love with myself if my desire for public response came back to harm her. And perhaps it would lead to someone questioning my position as a Deaconess, and what that office stands for - could I bring that upon them? I finally decided to post here, something I haven't done in a while for a variety of reasons. It's still public, but it takes a little more work to find this and I feel like I have a little more control (although realistically, I know that's not the case).

So here are my thoughts:

• Why does it make ANY difference how many people attend any of the mentioned pastors' churches? They make it seem like if you pastor a church with more people in the pews each week, that inherently means you're doing something right - more in line with "God's will" perhaps.  This is an ongoing issue in the UMC (and other mainline denoms) and one which I find disturbing... Jesus was NOT about preserving the status quo or filling the pews!
• We've known for a long time that the issue of gay marriage in the church (we're not talking about civil marriage) is one with many voices on all sides. We've also known for a long time that while we all believe in the Bible, how to read and follow it has always been up for debate. Until we can learn how to tolerate each other, no matter what the issue, we come out looking like hypocrites.  There are so many layers of complexity here, anyone suggesting there is a simple way to handle it is foolish. Punishing everyone doesn't spread love (or give the UMC good press which can't help anyone's attendance numbers), and it doesn't appear that the UMC at large is going to change policy anytime soon. Is there anyone who can have a civil conversation and find alternatives?
• Perhaps the church does need to split so that each camp can believe and practice in the way they see as most true. That would certainly NOT be easy; I don't think anyone wants to see that happen - and not just because of the financial fall out (which would certainly be bad). We have to find another way, and though it's hokey to say, if we're Christians, I think we have to ask what would Jesus do. We have to ask these questions as individuals and as a community.  We struggle as people are trying to do this the best way they can see - some by taking a stand against policies they see as unjust, and others by trying to hold them accountable.
• As someone who has a clear personal stake in this issue, I hope that changes are made, but I also hope that they are done prayerfully, with a spirit of love and putting others first. The question of how to be tolerant of those who are intolerant of you is one that I will struggle with for always. I'm proud to say that I go to church that chose to respond to a picket by the Fred Phelps clan by bringing them water to drink, but what is the appropriate response to those who want to punish the people that are standing up for what it just? 
• I question the role of accountability when it's used as a way to keep people in line. As the church, we should not be instilling fear and punishment shouldn't be our modus operandi. But then I consider what John Wesley did in his meetings, making sure that people were on the path to being better Christians.  How did he know which things to press people on and which things to overlook? And Jesus certainly held people accountable too. Yet he seemed to do it in a way that challenged everything - the adulterous woman didnt' get stoned, but Jesus didn't just let it slide either.  I believe that those who are calling for the church laws to be upheld are doing so (mostly) to keep the church on the "right" path - they fear that we are losing our way. While I disagree with them, how can I begrudge them that?  And where is there room for a middle ground between these two? Should there be middle ground?
• I feel bad for the Council of Bishops. I don't know how they can best respond to this issue. There are bishops on both sides of this issue, and they do have a role to uphold the laws of the church, but they also have an obligation to call the church to justice. It seems to me they are damned if they do and damned if they don't on this one.  I hope the Holy Spirit will be with them as they work it out together, and I'll be watching to see what they say.  A lot of people - in and out of the UMC - will be watching.

Where does this leave us? I really don't know. I just know we can't keep going like this. My heart hurts, and I can only imagine that God's does too.

Post-holiday blues

Every year I get down about this time - the Christmas lights come down, trees get mulched, decorations get repacked and stored away and the house and world in general go into a winter grey funk. Some people just chalk it up to seasonal affective disorder due to the shorter days and less exposure to sunlight, but I think it's more than that. The holidays get built up and when they're over, we can't help but feel a little let down that they're over - after months of preparations and brightly colored decor, how can you not? I know that Christmas is a big deal but one day and the evening before can hardly live up to all the hype.

I've written before (and am hardly the only one who's done so) about the commercialism of Christmas, but this year I've really started thinking about the significance of this holiday in comparison with others. Sure, the birth of Christ is significant, but isn't Easter really more of what makes Christianity what it is? And Easter falls in the Spring, when it seems it might be easier to do outdoor decorations... but we don't make nearly as big a deal about Easter. Why is that?

Adding to my funk this year, I'm once again left alone while my partner is deployed to serve our country overseas. This makes the 5th time we've gone through this and it was never easy or fun, but it seems harder this time. Perhaps that's because it's been a few years since the last one or perhaps it's because I'm not in school this time around and am not really sure how I'm going to cope. I can only throw myself into work so far and mamy of my friends no longer live close by. I need a diversion - a project or a class or something. Any ideas? I've checked out the schedule at the YMCA but the classes that fit around my work schedule aren't really that interesting to me... the ones I'd like to do are during work hours. Dang it. I'm very open to suggestions...

10 K

This weekend I did something I thought I would NEVER do - I flew to Ohio to participate in the Air Force Marathon. No I didn't actually run the marathon. I did the 10K and walked almost all of it at that. How? Why? I'm still processing and trying to figure all that out, but the basic story is that Trouble signed up with a team from her squadron in Colorado. They used it as a way to raise money for the Wounded Warrior Project, one of her favorite charities anyway. She signed up months ago to run the half marathon, put together a training program for herself and talked her sister into doing it with her. Not long into the training process, her sister hurt her knee and was told she couldn't participate. I became the fill in, only there was no way I was going to run 13.1 miles. I opted for the 10K deciding that this was something I could do for her, and the training would be good for my health.

Training didn't go exactly as I had planned. I was supposed to do so many miles each week, working up to jogging the whole time but starting with a combination of walking and running. I never got very far with the jogging piece. Between back problems and what I thought was a bruised foot from Buildathon (which I now believe is plantar fasciaitis), I walked everything and didn't do it near as frequently as I should have. I even debated whether I was going to be able to participate in the event at all. I always had the option of down sizing to the 5K event and was contemplating doing just that up to 3 days before the event. I just couldn't do it - I knew that I would regret it and always feel like I had copped out.

Now that we're a couple of days after the event, my body is still sore but the sense of accomplishment is taking up more of my emotional space than the fatigue. I don't know if I ever really saw myself as a person who would volunteer for and complete a 10K - but I did it! Not only did I complete the full distance, I did it in under 2 hours, which means I kept a pace of more than 3 mph. For a person who is way overweight and has never been physically fit, that's pretty darn good! Granted, I need to do more than one race a year and actually lose the weight and get into better physical health. Wouldn't it be amazing if this became an annual event where I improved each time? Maybe next year I can run at least half of it and improve my time. Who knows what could be possible! I always here people talk about the mental preparation and how you can psych yourself up or psych yoruself out and I don't know how much stock I ever really put into that, but I noticed it a lot this weekend. I didn't set out to set a record or anything - but I wasn't going to let myself NOT do this. I just told myself that I was going to do it and while I was walking the course, I just focused on continually putting one foot in front of the other. I had good music to keep my spirits up (and good beats to help keep my pace steady), and found that the way I directed my thoughts had EVERYTHING to do with how I performed. It's the first time I feel like I've really experienced that. Very cool.

The question of philanthropy

These last few weeks I've had the opportunity for a few trainings at work about fundraising - a couple of them looked at a report (Giving USA 2010) on the history of philanthropic giving in 2009 and gave their interpretations of that report. While the two perspectives were very different, there were a few insights that were shared at both classes that I find very interesting.

First, when you look at the total amount of money that is donated to philanthropic causes (which includes religious institutions), about 75% of it comes from individuals - not corporations, federal or private grants or foundations. Just in case any of you were wondering if the money you give really does make a difference - it does! AND, even with the recession, 2009 was the third year in a row that philanthropic giving in the US topped $300 BILLION! I don't know about you, but I find that number a bit mind boggling to wrap my head around.

Second, when you look at the amount of money that individuals contributed, a large percentage of that money was contributed by only a handful of people - VERY wealthy people (Bill Gates, for one). So maybe that $20 I give isn't make that big a difference in comparison, but when I have billions of dollars at my personal disposal, I'd like to think that I'll do something positive with it. Which leads me to another piece of information that I've heard referenced several times in the last few weeks - the billionaire's challenge. Warren Buffett and Bill Gates are calling other wealthy people and challenging them to give large portions of their wealth to philanthropic causes - they even have a website, http://givingpledge.org, where you can see what pledges have been made, by whom, and even read their personal letters that explain to whom they give and why. Some of the names are well known, others not as much, but each have their reason for giving and encouraging others to give.

It got me thinking - why do I give to the places I do? How do I determine how much I "can afford" to give? Generally I give to places that seem important to me for one reason or another - I give to my own place of business (since I thoroughly believe in the mission), I give to my church, I give to organization fighting for causes I believe in, such as gay rights in the church and in our country, I give to environmental organizations that are doing work I believe makes sense, etc. If I actually look though my check book and credit card statements to compile a profile of all the places I give money, it's interesting to see how varied it is and how much money over all I end up giving. It's mostly a little bit here and another little bit there. Now I'm wondering if i wouldn't be better giving more money to fewer places, making more of an impact. I don't know.

So now let me pose this question - do you give? Do you know why you give and how you decide to whom to give how much? Please share!

Economics 101

I barely remember my undergrad economics class, but I've lived in this country all my life and have learned very well that we are proud of our capitalist system and believe there is no better system on which to build a nation. I guess I'm to the point where the teenager starts questioning whether his parents acutally know what they're talking about, becuase I'm wondering if our system really is the best...

In a recent e-newsletter I received, there was this excerpt from a Wall Street Journam piece:
Gregg Sherrill, WSJ – “Because the financial crisis and resulting recession caused so much pain, a bashing of our entire free enterprise system may have been inevitable. My fear is that by remaining quiet in the face of this onslaught, we have allowed it to intensify. In fact, other than those companies that were a part of the system of easy credit and disguised risk that so spectacularly collapsed, American business as a whole has nothing whatsoever to apologize for. The good news is that despite the political cacophony, and our silence, most Americans still instinctively understand this. According to a recent analysis in The Economist magazine, the overwhelming majority of Americans say they prefer the free enterprise system to any collectivist alternative. In one such poll, as the Economist reports in a feature titled ‘The 70-30 Nation,’ the Pew Research Center asked respondents whether they were better off in a free market rather than a socialist economy ‘even though there may be severe ups and downs from time to time.’ Seventy percent said yes.”

I'm not convinced that the companies that have failed were the only ones that had things to apologize for. I doubt that the other large finance companies and banks weren't making money off of risky loans and easy credit - just maybe not in as high a percentage as some of the others that didn't make it. And while we hear lots of blasting of those companies (and now have a new financial reform bill addressing them), what about those actual people who are down and out in the midst of everything leveling back out? Do they understand why they shouldn't have had those mortgages? Do they know how to make sure that they don't get into that bind again? Do they even have a place to live and/or work right now?

I'm not surprised by the survey results that say Americans believe their system is the better option - we always think we have it better. I can't think of a time when we've admitted that we were wrong as a country. I don't know what would be better - there are days I think I could be a socialist and there are days that I think we just need to tweak our current system - and I certainly don't have any kind of economic expertise, but I do see families struggling every day and I see how surprised they are to learn that they have at least some control over their credit, their savings, and can make things better by just making some different choices. You'd be surprised at how many people don't know what their options are. Perhaps instead of focusing on the economics, we should be looking at how we teach each other about our personal choices in the system...

Independence Day flag t

Lots of things are swirling around my head today. I was on the news this week for work, which was a little nerve wracking but turned out fine. This weekend is a holiday and is also the first Sunday withour new pastor at Trinity UMC. In the Methodist church we move pastors around on a fairly regular basis (unless you're someone special like the founding pastor of a very successful mega-church), and a lot of people are bothered by it - pastors and congregation members alike. Of course, this isn't something that we do for no reason. Itinerancy has some benefits and though behind it. For one, congregations get to change out the bad pastors as well as the good ones. It means that we learn what we can from one another in the time that we have and then we get the chance to learn new things and new ways from someone else. It also means that congregations don't (or shouldn't) become too dependend on their pastor - since the pastor changes every 5 years or so, the congregation is the consistent piece, the character of the church.

This holiday is always an interesting one for me - watching people walk around in their $5 flag tee shirts, waving flags and blowing up fireworks even if they are illegal. I love this country and the freedoms that it offers, but I've never felt the need to be obnoxious about it or wear tacky clothes to prove it. It does make for some great people watching though. Tomorrow I'll be heading into Overland Park, KS to watch the crowds and fireworks. It's my first time to do something out there - I've been staying on the Missouri side of the state line typically. Should be a great time to observe people and classic Americana. Have a happy and safe weekend! Sorry this is so scattered.

Gratefulness

Last week I was in Mt Vernon, Iowa - a small town on the southeast side of Cedar Rapids, where 2 years ago there was massive flooding, the 5th worst natural disaster in US history. I was a part of the Habitat for Humanity International and AmeriCorps Build-a-thon. Last year, on the 1 year anniversary of the floods, we were also working in Cedar Rapids. When the river flooded, it not only ruined downtown buildings and the local Habitat affiliate office, it also flooded a large percentage of the affordable housing stock in the area - shocker that it doesn't cost as much to live in the flood plain and that many of those families didn't have/coulnd't afford flood insurance. Now that another year has gone by, we once again were working with the local Habitat affiliate to build new, affordable homes for Habitat partner families, but this year we also added some projects that rehabilitated some already existing homes and helped the affiliate start their "A Brush With Kindness" program, which helps those who already own their home maintain the outside of it. This is a growing need across the country and I know it's just a matter of time before we have the program going here in Kansas City.

As always, Build-a-thon was a great experience where I got to meet people who work with Habitat affiliates all across the country. I always enjoy hearing about how different affiliates are doing essentially the same work but all doing it a little differently, whether due to organization structure, management styles, or just the specifics of the local community. I love meeting people with a passion for this work and hearing about how they do it. It was a little bittersweet this year since this was likely my last Build-a-thon; my new position as Faith Relations means that I will no longer be overseeing the AmeriCorps program at my Habitat affiliate. But my new position also means that I get to grow and stretch myself in new ways, and get to focus fully on building relationships with local churches and the work we're doing in the urban core of Kansas City.

The biggest downside to my week in Iowa is that I got sick - nothing major, but my first night there I was slammed with a summer cold. There was one day I felt bad enough that I didn't go work on site, but stayed in bed instead. By the time I got home on Friday morning, it had developed into bronchitis. I went to a clinic at one of the chain drug stores and got my prescriptions, and am generally feeling much better. I'm still not 100% but it has me thinking about how lucky I am. I not only got to be a part of this great event and travel with some great people, but when I got home I was able to just go get the care that I needed. My insurance through work allowed me to pay just $20 for my visit to the clinic and the prescriptions were paid for through my flexible spending account. It was easy, relatively quick and didn't break the bank. But that's because I took advantage of opportunities that I had through work. Many people don't have these opportunities. If I didn't have insurance, what would I have done? Gone to the ER? How much would that bill cost? There are a hundred or more things wrong with the healhcare system in this country and I know that I have no idea how to fix it. But I also know how grateful I am to have what I have.

What is success?

Last weekend I was at MO Annual Conference (United Methodist Church), and we spent a lot of time talking about how to be better leaders and get more successful churches. There were, admittedly, different ways of talking about success - based on numbers of members, numbers of people in attendance at worship, based on number of programs offered, amount of mission work done, etc. I certainly don't know which one of these is the "right" way to look at it.

This weekend I'm in Iowa at the Habitat for Humanity AmeriCorps Build-a-thon. Almost 600 AmeriCorps members serving with Habitat affiliates all across the country will be working together this week on a variety of projects, from new construction to exterior repair and painting through A Brush With Kindness. Today was a day mostly of hanging out and getting to know one another better, so I found it fascinating to listen to people's conversations. Inevitably they would ask each other which affiliate they were with, and if they didn't already know something about the location, the next question was often, "so how many houses do you guys do each year?" The similarities of these two recent experiences just shocked me, although as I write this I'm not sure why I didn't see it before.

I've worked with Habitat for 3 years, and have had some relationship to AmeriCorps for all of that time. Likewise, I've been in the UMC for more than 10 years and attended more than a couple of annual conferences. We get so hung up on the numbers, sometimes I think we don't give credit for the work that's being done even in the smaller places that aren't building 50 houses a year or doing multiple international mission trips. The fact is that there are people who need help in every kind of community all over this country - from urban cores to rural areas, both the church and Habitat affiliates are helping to meet those needs. So why do we look down on those who "only" build one or two houses a year or who "only" have 30 people coming to church on Sunday morning. Do those 30 people not count? Why do we assume that if your numbers aren't growing that there's no growth happening in the congregation? Are the two families who got their houses not better off than they were before? I wonder if we can find some other way to measure success, or if we can stop measuring it all together and let it be a subjective thing. Just like our economy, can it realistically always continue to grow?

Praying for Fred Phelps

One of the more difficult things that Jesus tells us we are to do is, "love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" (Matt 5:43). I don't think this means that we pray for vengeance either, but that we pray for some sense of realization that we're all children of God and all have some investment in each other. It's not hard to love those who love us - at least not most of the time - but to love someone who hates you, WOW.

Love is a complicated thing - there are many different types of love, levels of it, so just how far do we have to go? For me personally, as a woman in love with another woman, Fred Phelps is pretty much as vociferous enemy as I get. This is the founder of Westboro Baptist Church who sets up websites and pickets colleges, churches, and military funerals in the name of decrying America's biggest sin in allowing homosexuality. Regardless of your feeling on homosexuality, what this man has been doing has been causing a lot of emotional reactions all across the country and the Supreme Court will be hearing the case about their military funeral protests. (Is it free speech or do states have the right to make their protests illegal? Can't wait to see how that turns out...) This man has picketed my seminary and my local church, so this isn't just something that I've heard about in the news. A local film student did a documentary on his church (it's available on Netflix and is called "Fall from Grace" - I recommend it) and when you hear him speak and you hear his children (who are adults and the next leaders of the church) you will be amazed at their conviction and their passion. On some level, I have to respect them for that. Many people don't know what they believe, let alone why they believe it or have a belief that's strong enough to share with anyone else.

So what do I do with this man and his family? How do I love him? Respecting him for his conviction isn't really love, and I'm not sure that calling him a human being, acknowledging his sacred worth (oh, what a spin on that term!) is quite enough either. I'm supposed to pray for him. What do I pray for? That he comes to a realization that his hatred is wrong? That he stop picketing military funerals? That he keeps living so his kids don't take over quite yet (since they're even more radical in their beliefs and practices)? Somehow none of that seems to be enough... I feel like I somehow have to get to a place where I can sincerely pray for him to be happy and find a sense of peace and know that he is loved by God. And then I have to realize that God DOES love him, as much as God loves me. And then I have to pray for myself, to be okay with that and not feel like it's unfair. What do you pray for?

Reflections on Annual Conference

I made it back home and the bags and boxes need to be unpacked as I head into my work week, but the experience of Missouri Annual Conference 2010 is still be processed in my head. Sadly, while this was my first year with voice and vote priveleges, I really didn't get much chance to use them. There was very little debate and just some generic items (like the budegt) to vote on. Of course, that was probably a good thing. Rather than the whole event being mired in politics and heated discussions, this one was intentionally focused on internal spiritual development - feeding the leaders so they in turn can go back and feed their local congregations. I don't know that I feel like I was tremendously fed, but there were definite highlights, like the youth worship service (sand art story telling is pretty cool) and Michael Slaughter (see previous post). Perhaps I would have felt like I got more out of it if I had attended both workshops and wasn't also trying to work a booth in the exhibit hall around participating in the session. I might have to rethink how that goes for next year...

This morning, before I had to leave early to make it back for an appointment, Bishop Schnase gave a really good presentation about how appointments are made in our conference. He told us that he was surprised at how many people didn't know how it was done and took the time to walk us through the process, including showing us a scaled down board that helped them organize each appointment into a chain of movements around the conference. It was fascinating and enlightening to hear what their priorities are and all of the various things that go into their decision making process. It's more complicated than I had realized and it made me glad that I'm not an ordained elder tied to the itinerancy process. The more I learn and hear, the more I feel that I'm in the right place serving as a Deaconess and continuing to be a member of the laity. Now I just have to figure out what that means for my leadership role in the church - meaning the local congregation as well as the district and annual conference levels.

I was disappointed that churches really didn't indicate any interest in working with Habitat KC - I talked to a few individuals who picked up some information to bring back to their churched, and I talked to several people from other areas around the state who work with their local affiliates though. The seeds are being planted... And I talked with the Festival of Sharing folks and it looks like I'll have a booth out there in October to talk with people about donating their money to our local affiliate rather than to Habitat International. I spend a good deal of time educating people about how Habitat is set up. If you donate to Habitat for Humanity International, your money goes towards HFHI programs and affiliate work in other countries. Habitat affiliates in the US, however, get limited amounts of funding from HFHI. We're all independent 501(c)(3) organizations and do our own fundraising for our local projects, BUT we also tithe 10 percent of our funds raised to HFHI. SO, if you want to help local families, donate to your local affiliate (which you can look up at www.habitat.org) and know that you're also helping others around the world. Right now much of that tithe money is going to Haiti where Habitat International is winning high praise for their house design and organization.

Socially, annual conference was a great experience. I got to catch up with old friends and colleagues from Saint Paul School of Theology, and I got to meet lots of new people - some SPST alumni and friends of friends who I think I can now also call friends. I may have also gotten myself involved in a church camp for this summer - we'll have to see. I've lived in Missouri since 2003, but feel like I'm just starting to learn how things work here. Watching the ordination service, it was very moving to see so many people that I knew entering into that special relationship with God and the UMC. It was also painful to watch other friends that didn't get the blessing to take that next step. The church is still a human institution, flawed in many ways, and it was hard to see friends hurting and feeling personally shunned. Still, I'm confident that most of them are in the right place and that they will get approved next year. Ministry is a strange thing...

So that's where I am for now. There may be more reflections later, but since I'm headed to Iowa for AmeriCorps Buildathon with Habitat this week, chances are there won't be many posts until mid-June.

Annual Conference - part 3

I went out last night so I missed posting but will make up for it later. Right now I'm headed to what sounds like it will be a very cool youth event. more later!

Annual Conference - part 2

I've had more fun so far than I expected. I think that's because I'm a social person by nature and the fact that I went to seminary in Kansas City means I know quite a few folks around the conference - professors, pastors, and leaders. It's been like a reunion of sorts, and I think that's part of the point. When John Wesley started this who idea of conferencing, part of it was for the pastors to get together and lift each other up. He understood the power of being with your peers and talking with them about what's going well and what's a struggle. You build relationships and learn best practices and perhaps also get some insight into yourself.

Aside from the socializing, I'm enjoying the theme of this year's MO Annual Conference - Growing Deeper. We have a tree symbol hanging up in front of the assembly, not quite a tree of life since the roots aren't as substantial as the branches, but close. Opening worship was done in a contemporary style with words on the screen but no music to look at or liturgy to follow. The sermon was good, with a lot of stories and references to John Wesley, but it ended with talk about numbers - and this is a big struggle for me.

How do we measure success in the church? Is it in the number of people listed as "members" of our churches? Is it in the number of people who show up for worship on Sunday? Does it have to about numbers at all? I prefer to think of quality rather than quantity but how do you attempt to measure quality of churches? or the Christians who attend them? I guess you'd have to start by determining the goal, the point of the church in the first place. Talking with an old friend tonight, he stated that the ministry of the church is to change lives. I can go with that. But how you measure your success at changing lives? What kind of change are we talking about? If a church has only 20 people in worship every Sunday but is feeding the homeless in their neighborhood, are they not changing lives? Perhaps more than the megachurch of 5000 that has people showing up for small group activities? I just don't know that we can boil it down to numbers and i get frustrated when we insist that we have to have a way to know if all of these program we try to do are working. I'm not convinced that the changes that have the most impact are going to manifest in the numbers that can be tracked at the conference office. What do you think? How does it work in your church or conference?

Missouri Annual Conference - Part 1

I'm a slacker and I know it. I haven't been blogging regularly for a while now, and as I'm gathering with United Methodist friends from all over Missouri this weekend, I'm trying to understand why. Many of them check my blog to see if I've posted and all I can come up with is that I've been busy doing other things. Yes, sadly, Facebook is one of those things that takes up more of my time now. I feel like I need to really evaluate the value of my time and how it's best spent. There are great things about Facebook but there are also great things about blogging that I miss, so I'm going to try to be intentional about posting some thoughts up here for the weekend I'm at Annual Conference at least. We'll see what happens after that. :)

As I was talking with one of my seminary friends about this earlier tonight I realized that what I miss most about my blog is pondering some of the bigger questions. I mean, look at my blog title - I used to live for this stuff! I would talk about theology and political ideas and now I feel like my brain gets consumed with making lists of things that I need to do or bring with me to whatever event is next on my agenda for work. I get so bogged down with the daily grind that I don't have the luxury of time to ponder the big questions. Of course, that's not entirely true since I make the the time to play Treasure Madness on Facebook each day - it seems that my priorities have shifted. I go from thinking about lots of daily things to wanting to do something mindless rather than intentionally intellectual. Where I used to have nothing but time to devote to that pursuit, I now see it as a luxury and not necessarily one that I care about having all the time. My priorities, it seems, have shifted. Or have they? I miss seminary and I miss the conversations I used to have about these things. I'm just going to have to decide how often I need them to satisfy that piece of me without draining what little brain function I feel like I have left after work. Do you ever feel like this? Am I making any sense at all?

Okay, so I'm trying to focus on Missouri Annual Conference. This is my first annual conference as a commissioned Deaconess, which means I have voice and vote. I'm also here partly for work, representing Habitat for Humanity Kansas City with a booth in the exhibitors' section - it is where I serve as a Deaconess after all. I've never worked a booth at conference before and I've only been to the MO annual conference one other time. That was in 2007 as we were voting on delegates for the 2008 General Conference so there was a lot of church business to deal with, some of which got pretty ugly, so I'm curious to see what a "regular" year looks like.

Lost Time

Greetings blog readers, and my apologies for letting it be this long between posts. I can't believe I haven't been on here since AUGUST! But then again, thinking back to what was going on in my life around then, I get it. Things were crazy around my job at Habitat for Humanity Kansas City. Our 30th Anniversary (we are the 7th oldest Habitat affiliate in the world!) was in October, so we were planning this big birthday block party event. We also had some staff changes, I had two new AmeriCorps members to train, Trouble was back in the Air Force Reserves (this time doing her drills out of Colorado Springs), on top of all the usual things that make people busy and lose track of time. I don't want to even attempt to catch anyone up on what's been going on since then - it would take a long time, be fairly boring, and I'm not sure there would be a point anyway. :)

I'm thinking about time this weekend anyway, as we "Spring Ahead" for daylight savings time. I'm sitting here at what feels like 6:45 am to my body but my clock tells me it's almost 8 am. We go through this ritual every year, moving ahead an hour each spring and back an hour each fall, all in the name of conserving energy and spending more time in the sunlight. Does it really make that much of a difference? There have been debates about the energy conservation part - W. changed the dates we move clocks in an effort to show some effort on his part to conserve energy but we still like to keep our homes at fairly consistent temperatures and use electricity for a lot more things than just lighting. I did a little online research to learn more about DST, why we started it and how it's evolved. It's kind of interesting and the information varies from source to source (of course), but if you're interested, I liked the article on Wikipedia for its information not just on the history in the US but around the world. What's most intriguing to me is that there wasn't a "standard time" (let alone "daylight saving time") until the late 1800's, and that was basically adopted because railroads were running all over the place and need some kind of organized scheduling - it didn't become a US law until 1918! And as most of us know, there has been debate over if we should practice DST, when we should change the clocks, how much, etc ever since. DST is praticed in some form in many countries around the globe, but many countries have never done such a thing.

I wonder what it would have been like to live in a time and place where there was no standard of time? It's such a basic part of my daily life, I go nuts when I forget to strap on my wrist sized clock. We have clocks on our phones, appliances, in almost every room of our homes - it's everywhere! How did people before 1918 schedule meetings? Did church just start when everyone got there? Or was it all just based on whatever local standard was set, so that it wasn't really a problem unless you were traveling (which is kind of the same now - I appreciate that my cell phone can read what time zone I'm in an automatically adjust)? Perhaps what intrigues me mst about the concept of time is that it's something the whole world has more or less decided to agree upon. We can look at world maps and see what time it is in each place, we know how long a second, minute and hour are, we've even established a line on the globe where the date and time are based. If only we could find that kind of consensus on other things....

Fundraising Foolery

Wow, it's been a long time since I've written on here! When I logged in, it said my last post was back in mid June so it's been 2 months! My apologies - I haven't ditched the blog all together but I do admit to spending a good deal more time on Facebook. Not sure if that's necessarily a good thing, but this format feels different and still has a distinct purpose for me, so I'm not abandoning it.

I'm still working at Habitat for Humanity Kansas City, although there have been some rough patches in the last few months. I actually applied for another job to run a whole volunteer department for a large animal shelter here in KC but I didn't get an interview. It's really fine - I still love working for Habitat, but there have been a lot of changes made and a lot of uncertainty about how those changes were being implemented. Change is always hard and I know I'm a person who likes routine and things being thought through - neither of which is an option right now. But I'm learning to deal with it and we're rolling along.

Perhaps the biggest change in our office has been that our Director of Development was let go. There was some thinking that he needed to go a long time ago since we hadn't had a good fundraising program in years, but the way the whole thing played out was stressful. The new person we have is still kind of an unknown, although we know she has experience fundraising, working with Habitat affiliates and overseeing AmeriCorps programs (which is all great in my opinion). She's got a lot to deal with right now though - we all do, and we're finding ourselves needing to do things we haven't done before. For example, today I wrote an appeal letter - actually two. I've been writing newsletter pieces for months but never really had any input in a fundraising campaign.

All the staff have been asked to help find people to be "hosts" of this event - people who will bring people and money to the organization. My boss asked me to help her put together an email we could send to people to ask them to do this and it was liked so much, the Executive Director asked me to write another one that we could use to approach organizations and companies to donate too. Wow. I was glad to be good at something that was so useful for people but at the same time, why were my writing skills only now coming into play? At least I feel like all the papers I had to write in seminary were good practicve for something. This afternoon there was a brief discussion about the possibility of my getting into some grant writing. We'll see where it goes.

As I write this, I'm thinking about the people who will be getting those letters and emails in the next few weeks. We've got a lot of great people who support us in all kinds of ways - volunteering their time, donating food to our pantry or materials for our construction projects, donating money, serving on our Board and committees, providing services for free or reduced price, etc. In these times, charities are hurting for money more than ever, while at the same time the people who are calling on them for services are rising in number. We've only built half the number of homes we built last year and don't see donations rising very quickly. Volunteers are being turned away every day because we don't have any sites to put them on. But as much as all that hurts, can people afford to give right now? We know there are lots of people looking for jobs, and many others have lost a lot of their savings and retirement money in the down market. How do you feel when people ask you for money? What makes you give to a particular charity over another? Are you just as likely to donate now as you were three years ago?

Cedar Rapids - Day Zero

In light of the fact that I'm on a week long trip to Cedar Rapids, this is going to be an attempt at some kind of journal of my experience while I'm here. I brought my laptop for evening use and have discovered that while my wireless connection works somewhat consistently, Facebook's connection is much less so. This way I'll be able to say my piece and others can comment - just not as much in real time as if it were on Facebook. Plus the photo upload function may work here (Facebook has been having issues with their's all week).

When Trouble went off to Air Force basic training (they don't call it boot camp, just FYI), she learned about this great concept of "zero week." They tell you that the training will take x number of weeks, but your first week there isn't week one - it's week zero. It doesn't really county even though you're definitely noticing that you're there and pretty much in shock over just how much NOT like anywhere else this is going to be. With today being our drive up here and an evening on a college campus in a strange town, I'm considering this day zero. We don't really know what we've gotten ourselves into yet but know that this is definitely not like being "back home." Everyone here is somehow related to Habitat for Humanity and/or AmeriCorps. Most people are AmeriCorps members - 500+ of them. The rest of us are affiliate staff (AmeriCorps site coordinators oversee the members at their individual sites, making sure that AmeriCorps rules and protocol is followed, handling paperwork, etc.), Habitat International staff or there are a small number of AmeriCorps alumni.

I myself am a site coordinator AND an alumni and yet I still feel like I fit in more with the AmeriCorps members. Trouble and I discussed this a little bit this morning. I have a hard time seeing myself as an "adult" in charge of things, responsible and in a position of leadership. It's strange because I have no problem seeing myself that way in other areas of my life, but with Habitat and work in general, I seem forever stuck in "idealistic student" mode. It seems odd to me that as the low man on the Habitat KC totem pole and someone who was "just" an AmeriCorps last year, I'm now someone who knows more and is in charge of other people. Am I the only one who struggles with this? Does it go away at some point?

Right now three of my four members are out at a little dive bar just off campus, drinking cheap (and probably nasty) beer, singing karaoke and having some fun being away from the office. They invited me along but I chose to opt out. Yes, part of that is due to my disgust for beer and dreading the embarassment of karaoke but I also feel like I need to give them their space away from me and all things related to Habitat KC. This is a week away from all of that and a chance for them to just hang out and bond with each other in a way they can't at work. I also feel like I need to distance myself a little more from them than I have. The fact is that I'm not a member anymore and I'm not in the same place in life where they are. I don't feel that much older than them, but I AM. I just need to accept it and start acting like it. :)

So that's where I am at the end of this evening. Tomorrow the rest of the participants in Build-a-thon will arrive from all over the US and we'll have our Opening Ceremonies. Kurt Warner, NFL quarterback from the Arizona Cardinals, will be here all week since he's originally from Cedar Rapids. If you're watching ESPN and see anything about him and the project here, let me know! I know Cedar Rapids has had all kinds of local news coverage about him and us coming here. Our goal is to build 20 new houses this week, part of the flood recovery efforts. It's been exactly one year since the river crested at 21.5 feet above normal and there's still quite a bit of evidence around town. I'll be posting pictures later in the week. I'm going to be out on a construction crew building one of those houses - a big change from my normal week of work and something I'm really looking forward to. Now for some rest and a little Indigo Girls to set the mood: "Gotta get out of bed, grab a hammer and a nail, learn how to use my hands, not just my head..."