Saturday, July 01, 2006

You Might be a United Methodist

Many thanks to Rachel for passing on the following entertainment: (note the purple comments are my own thoughts)

You Might Be A United Methodist If
~you don't take Rolaids when your heart is strangely warmed
~you know that a circuit rider is not an electrical device
~The Upper Room is as essential to your bathroom as the toilet paper I think this is a generational thing... I've only seen it at old ladies' homes.
~you felt that the NCAA penalties against SMU football were too harsh or perhaps Duke basketball
~you've ever owned a pair of cross and flame boxer shorts how about a tattoo?
~you sit while singing "Stand up, stand up for Jesus"
~you've ever sung a gender-inclusive hymn and love it!!
~tithing is encouraged but widely ignored don't think this is different than any other denom
~half the people sitting in your pew lip-sync the words to the hymns
~the word apportionment sends a chill down your spine
~you realize pluralism isn't a communicable disease
~your pastor has a hyphenated last name
~names like Aldersgate, Asbury, and Epworth are vaguely familiar what about if they're more than vaguely familiar??
~you consider the monthly potluck a sacrament almost...
~the only church camp song you know by heart is "Kum ba yah" no way - there are tons of camp songs!!
~you've ever attended an Annual Conference and actually enjoyed it
~you have an unexplained yearning to visit Wesley's Chapel in London been there, done that
~your church is named for a geographical location rather than for a saint
~you've never heard a sermon on Hell and don't feel you're missing out
~you realize that VBS isn't a sexually transmitted disease
~your pastor moves every four or five years and you like it that way unless you're the pastor
~there's at least one person in every church meeting who says, "But we've never done it that way before"
~your congregation's Christmas pageant includes both boy and girl wise men
~you accept the fact that the hymn "O, for a thousand tongues to sing" has almost as many stanzas as tongues
~you know that the Wesleyan Quadrilateral isn't a trick football play involving four lateral passes
~you realize that the Book of Discipline is not a guide to getting your child to behave
~you understand that an "appointment" has nothing to do with keeping a lunch date
~you think "UMW" stands for United Methodist Women rather than the United Mine Workers
~you know the difference between a "diagonal" minister and a "Diaconal" minister this may be a little dated sine there aren't any more Diaconal minsters anymore, but how about Deaconesses??
~"Good morning" has the status of a liturgical greeting in the worship service
~you say "trespasses" instead of "debts" in the Lord's Prayer and have no idea why
~your annual conference spends most of its time debating resolutions that nobody reads
~you'd rather be branded with a hot iron than serve on the Nominating Committee now called Lay Leadership and my personal position at Trinity UMC
~you've ever sipped Welch's grape juice out of a plastic shot glass during Communion
~you're asked to donate money to a "special offering" every other Sunday
~you pore over the Conference Journal with the same intensity you would read a John Grisham novel not exactly but you never know whose name you'll see where!
~you have to fight through a cadre of greeters to get into the sanctuary
~when the worship service lasts for more than one hour, the beeping of watch alarms drowns out the final hymn especially on Sunday when the KC Chiefs are playing!

In all seriousness, I'm going out of town for the next week to work a 6th grade church camp in Oklahoma, so the blog will be post free. Feel free to comment all you want on the previous posts (and this one) until I get back. For more info on camp (including the address where you can write to me and Angela) check out Angela's blog listed in my links on the right column of the blog. Have a safe and happy 4th of July!!


Trouble said...

there are too diaconal ministers, i know some!

just 'cause they're not ordaining them anymore doesn't mean they have to go away!

mandyc said...

It's my understanding that all diaconal ministers had to decide whether they were going to become Deacons or not have an official position anymore. I could be wrong. Jeni, for example, became a Deacon and is no longer a Diaconal minister.

Trouble, I find it interesting that of ALL the things on this list, you chose to write about that one...

Trouble said...

i still have a dream that someday i can be ordained a diagonal minister.

hipchickmamma said...

hmmm....maybe i'm not united methodist afterall.

you're not helping!

have a great time at camp!

Big Unit said...

you bring your pet for the blessing.

you go to church to "be seen"

you will be totally distracted from your conference wrote sermon if there is any movement in the sanctuary other than old folks heads nodding off to sleep.

your Sunday suit costs more than your entire years tithe/offering.

You know your in a UM church when you bring 40 Cub Scouts in for Scout Sunday and the average age of the congregation drops from 70 to 68.3.

When the minister could be replace with a animatronic robot who would have more personality.

God is pronounced GAWD (loud and booming)

when the minister can perfectly pronounce every freakin name in the OT.

when the ministers hair never moves; ever, not even in OK wind.

You know you are in a UM church because you feel like you are in a funeral home any time you step in it. Especially in the office and during the service.

at least 2 people in the congregation actually knew Moses.

OK, all my UM experience come from NHUMC and Dr. Lucky (a guy with that kind of name should be a hoot not a stick in the mud). How can Jack stand it?

Trouble said...

wow! i think you put more time and thought into this than the original author. unit, you always impress me.

you might have a different experience of the UMC if you got out a little more. remember, jack is the yin to dr lucky's yang.

Big Unit said...

dr lucky don't have yang

Rachael said...

OK, I got one that has to be added. And this is based on my mother's experience in church this morning. You might be a United Methodist if your sunday school lesson is about sex!

rae's space said...

wait, i want to go to Rachael's mom's church!!
we had a blessing of the animals 2 weeks ago, made all 3 OKC news stations. horses & llamas were kept outside but cats and dogs had the run of the sanctuary. my kitty did quite well.

Kansas Bob said...

Hmmm ... perhaps I am a secret Methodist :)