You Might be a United Methodist

Many thanks to Rachel for passing on the following entertainment: (note the purple comments are my own thoughts)

You Might Be A United Methodist If
~you don't take Rolaids when your heart is strangely warmed
~you know that a circuit rider is not an electrical device
~The Upper Room is as essential to your bathroom as the toilet paper I think this is a generational thing... I've only seen it at old ladies' homes.
~you felt that the NCAA penalties against SMU football were too harsh or perhaps Duke basketball
~you've ever owned a pair of cross and flame boxer shorts how about a tattoo?
~you sit while singing "Stand up, stand up for Jesus"
~you've ever sung a gender-inclusive hymn and love it!!
~tithing is encouraged but widely ignored don't think this is different than any other denom
~half the people sitting in your pew lip-sync the words to the hymns
~the word apportionment sends a chill down your spine
~you realize pluralism isn't a communicable disease
~your pastor has a hyphenated last name
~names like Aldersgate, Asbury, and Epworth are vaguely familiar what about if they're more than vaguely familiar??
~you consider the monthly potluck a sacrament almost...
~the only church camp song you know by heart is "Kum ba yah" no way - there are tons of camp songs!!
~you've ever attended an Annual Conference and actually enjoyed it
~you have an unexplained yearning to visit Wesley's Chapel in London been there, done that
~your church is named for a geographical location rather than for a saint
~you've never heard a sermon on Hell and don't feel you're missing out
~you realize that VBS isn't a sexually transmitted disease
~your pastor moves every four or five years and you like it that way unless you're the pastor
~there's at least one person in every church meeting who says, "But we've never done it that way before"
~your congregation's Christmas pageant includes both boy and girl wise men
~you accept the fact that the hymn "O, for a thousand tongues to sing" has almost as many stanzas as tongues
~you know that the Wesleyan Quadrilateral isn't a trick football play involving four lateral passes
~you realize that the Book of Discipline is not a guide to getting your child to behave
~you understand that an "appointment" has nothing to do with keeping a lunch date
~you think "UMW" stands for United Methodist Women rather than the United Mine Workers
~you know the difference between a "diagonal" minister and a "Diaconal" minister this may be a little dated sine there aren't any more Diaconal minsters anymore, but how about Deaconesses??
~"Good morning" has the status of a liturgical greeting in the worship service
~you say "trespasses" instead of "debts" in the Lord's Prayer and have no idea why
~your annual conference spends most of its time debating resolutions that nobody reads
~you'd rather be branded with a hot iron than serve on the Nominating Committee now called Lay Leadership and my personal position at Trinity UMC
~you've ever sipped Welch's grape juice out of a plastic shot glass during Communion
~you're asked to donate money to a "special offering" every other Sunday
~you pore over the Conference Journal with the same intensity you would read a John Grisham novel not exactly but you never know whose name you'll see where!
~you have to fight through a cadre of greeters to get into the sanctuary
~when the worship service lasts for more than one hour, the beeping of watch alarms drowns out the final hymn especially on Sunday when the KC Chiefs are playing!

In all seriousness, I'm going out of town for the next week to work a 6th grade church camp in Oklahoma, so the blog will be post free. Feel free to comment all you want on the previous posts (and this one) until I get back. For more info on camp (including the address where you can write to me and Angela) check out Angela's blog listed in my links on the right column of the blog. Have a safe and happy 4th of July!!